34

I turned 34 back in April.


Had you asked me in high school I think I had a bit of the sheltered American dream at the forefront of my head. I would be happily married (which I am), with 2 kids, both my husband and I working an 8:00 to 5:00 job with our weekends free, and a white picket fence around our house.

The reality is I was clueless to the world around me.
Unaware of the realities that some people live within.

34 brings me to a world I never imagined.

In any given week I am responsible to keep 100 finger and toe nails trimmed (plus my own 20).
I change more diapers than I ever imagined, 3 kids in diapers full time and 1 while while she sleeps.
5 kids call me various forms of the name "mom." Our county calls me weekly asking if there is any way we could take any more.

3 of those kids grew in another woman's womb.
2 transformed my body in ways I never imagined. My body is not what I fathomed, growing humans is an experience like I never imagined.
We drive a 12 passenger van, which is both the most obnoxious and marvelous thing ever.
My high school dreams never even began to fathom my life now.

My dream of an 8:00-5:00 job is everything but that. God has an ironic sense of humor in calling me a pastor. The call to Pastor takes me places I never imagined. I stand on the edge of heaven while people take their last breath, I am amongst the first people call when a new baby is born. In the middle of tragedy and moments of great hope I am called to walk alongside people, to remind them of the deep truths that God promises to us all. In general I have more questions than I do answers. This year along I have walked the sacred halls of our high school as our youth have been forced to wrestle with five suicide deaths, two students, and three parents. It is sacred ground. My summers are spent gallivanting from mission trips to summer camp to vacation bible serve for work.

I continue to love to travel and traveling and with my family is even better. We have a dear set of friends the Carmacks, who used to live near us, who have become our constant travel companions. We've just returned from Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons. If your interested in our travel adventures follow along on instagram on thevillagetravels. If given the option I'd be at Walt Disney World monthly. Aside from WDW, I enjoy traveling to our National Parks, and pretty much anywhere we can go. Traveling with tiny humans is a whole new ball of wax, I remember back the summer I spent in Europe with just a backpack. Now packing is a small science and ensuring we have the right blankets, sleeping buddies, and pacifiers is vital, not to forget the snacks, the right clothes, the movies for the van, the extra clothes just in case, the sound machines, the diapers, wipes, the list goes on and on.

If I manage to have time where I am not: folding the never ending mountain of laundry, cleaning the house, paying bills, packing bags for the next day, cooking, or doing other obnoxious adult type things I like to fill my time: crocheting, taking pictures, shutterflying, watching movies, hiking, reading, pintresting, baking, or talking on the phone (my friends all live way too far away) and miscellaneous projects around the house. This space, I miss it, I think I am going to attempt to come back here from time to time, we will see how often that happens, but I am going to make an effort to come here and write.

My life calls me all sorts of things: wife, daughter, sister, mother, foster mother, pastor, crocheter, Minnesotan (despite my desire to be a South Dakotan), and neighbor to name a few. This is my 34.

Letter

Dear Cancer-
          You have been particularly nasty this week, while I realize you don't really have a time that you aren't nasty and you are over the top present in this broken world, this week I find myself particularly upset with you. You suck and there is nothing I like about you. In fact I would even be so bold to say I hate you.
          This week (I know you are active in claiming lives daily) you took one of my friend's mothers. A beautifully faithful, God honoring woman who served God with every ounce of her being. You ended her life far too soon. I hate the fact that you are unpredictable and that you don't care about age, race, gender, or any other factor. I hate that once you make your presence known you are always an aspect of life if even just a distant memory. You are a rough one to deal with, you don't play fair, you don't care what past anyone has or what the future may hold for them. You don't even seem to care how many times you have touched someone's family, you just show up what feels like time and time again. I hate you and I don't understand you. You have claimed the lives of many people who I love, I am frustrated with you to say the least.
          Not only have you taken the life of my friend's mother (and thousands of others) you have made your mark on one of my most favorite people in the world. You suck. I wish I could take you out of her and put you in me instead, I hate that you are in her and knowing the road she has ahead. I hate knowing that she is in pain, I hate knowing what you have done to her, I hate the way you make me nervous. Unfortunately for you, she's a fighter and the medical team caught you early. You haven't been there long, and you won't last long. You will be beaten. You will go away (seriously, consider your eviction notice posted).
          The really unfortunate thing for you is you don't have ultimate claim on her life, nor have you had the ultimate claim on the others whose lives you have ended far to short. You don't get the final word, you are not the ultimate reality. You aren't the one who wins in this world. I know you get credit for being all powerful and the one in charge, but here is the true story. I know and trust in a God who is bigger than you, I believe in the triune God who is the ultimate healer. While you may be the cause of some people's death you don't win, death never wins. I believe in God who has promised eternal life and life abundantly for all people. While people leave this earth, they are not gone forever, for this is but a fragment of what is to come. Someday, someday there will be a day when all pain is gone, when every crying tear is wiped away, and you don't exist. The God of creation is bigger and better than you, the God of peace continues to make all things new and comfort those in pain in the midst of your damage.
          I suppose I do owe you a thank you for a couple things, since the news of my friend you have brought me to God in prayer more than I can even imagine. You have reminded me what it means to pray without ceasing, you have helped to remind me what and who is important in my life. You have reminded me to not take any day or even any second for granted for you could be just around the corner. You have reminded me the of awesome God I serve. You have caused me to slow down yet again and give thanks for all that I have. You still suck, these are not redeeming qualities of yours, but I choose to find a golden lining to all things, including you.
          For all I care you can go away and never return, you can fall off the face of the earth and leave humanity (and all animals while you are at it), you aren't welcomed here. You won't have the final say, you won't be the victor in this world, while you will put up some good fights, and some may think that you have won, I know better, I trust in one who is greater than you, I trust in the creator of this world, the one who calls me to being, claims me, and bathes me in grace.

Sincerely,
    Sarah

Letter

Dear Swimming Lessons Parent,
   Thank you for trusting me to teach your child to swim, he is a great kid for sure and I am enjoying my time with him. I know he is your oldest child and you haven't had kids in swimming lessons before, you are a great mom for putting him in swimming lessons. I truly believe all kids should learn to swim as it is a life saving skill. I know he one of your most priceless treasures and you are allowing me to take him into what has the potential of being a dangerous situation, but trust me, I've done this before, with the same honor you give me hundreds (after 13 years of teaching swimming lessons I may even be to the thousands by now) of other parents have trusted me with their most precious gift. I know you are nervous and so is your son, he feeds off of your nerves. I know he is very important to you, I recognize that, I also know that he is a beginning swimmer so I keep my eyes on him all of the time.
    Please remember that you did enroll him in swimming lessons, so his swimming skills can advance, please don't hold him back, it isn't help for you to need to wipe his eyes every time I challenge him to blow bubbles in the water, or check if he needs to use the bathroom every other minute, he's old enough to tell you when he needs to go (and let's be honest, he wouldn't be the first or the last kid to pee in the pool). Yes, I know he won't be Michael Phelps when we are done with this eight week session however after three weeks I am already seeing his skills advance, trust me, pushing him a little to do things like: get his face wet, put his head underwater, blow bubbles, and float (with my assistance) won't ruin him for the rest of his life. Watch the way he smiles when he accomplishes a task, when he successfully puts his head all the way underwater he comes up in excitement with a smile going from ear to ear and says "did it, I did it, watch me again!" He is having fun, I am not pushing him too hard, he isn't crying, he'll be just fine if he gets water in his eyes and mouth, and while I think it's gross when kids pee in the pool, if he does it'll be just fine.
   Please sit back and move away from the edge of the pool during swimming lessons, enjoy the benches that are there for you to sit on. Remember the conversations that we have had, remember we have talked about this several times already. Please snuggle your baby for a few moments knowing that your oldest won't be interrupting you. Or if you don't want to take the baby out of the car seat, enjoy a good book, relax, play in your iPhone, space out, dream, pray, hope, and while you enjoy a half hour without a four year old needing your undivided attention, trust me. If I need anything or he needs anything you are there, and I am thankful that you care enough to cheer on your kid, to enroll him in swimming lessons, to come and watch him, but please let me do my job.
Peace-
  your son's swimming lessons instructor

A note to the man shared the road with me today

Dear middle-aged man driving a old dodge ram,
     Yes, you are 100% correct I could hear every comment you were saying to me as you drove along nice and slow beside me for just over a mile. Yes, you are correct that I was ignoring you. I chose not to respond to you because I knew I didn't want to say something I would later regret and saying nothing seemed like the best option. Sorry if I offended you in the midst of ignoring your, what I felt like, rude comments. You frustrated me.
     Yes, it is true that I will never be a Sports Illustrated bikini model, nor do I ever dream of it. I actually am in a call that I love, I get to walk alongside people in a wide variety of life situations and speak grace, truth, and hope, and share the story of a triune God who created all people and created us diverse and different. I am thankful for our creative God who calls me and showers me in grace and love and in my baptismal waters am claimed. I am sorry that you don't know this message of hope, truth, unconditional love, and salvation.
     Yes, it is true that I won't ever win a gold medal running. Yes, I know I run a little slow. Yes, I know I have a long ways to go, but each step I take is moving me toward my goals. Yes, I am sure you do have six pack abs and you could see my belly jiggle as I ran. It's okay, I am working on it. Although I would love to tell you the story of all the amazing food that I choose to eat and share with friends and family. I enjoy food, yes, I am working on watching my portion size and eating more fruits and veggies, however I do still enjoy many foods that aren't healthy for me. While I love running I also run so I can eat foods I love, like ice cream, chocolate, and pasta.
     Yes, it is true that I am running with my dog and you think that my hair flying all over the place makes you think we look alike. I was hot and sweaty and have zero care that my hear has fly aways going every which way at mile six. In fact I am proud that my hair looked like crap and was filled with sweat and dust from the road, I was thankful that I was able to make the hardest steps - walking over to my shoes, putting them on, and getting out the door.
     Yes, I know I was wearing tall socks which are out of fashion and my bright orange gym shorts from college and a blue shirt, I know it didn't match and that tall socks are out of fashion when wearing shorts. All morning I have been working on my laundry because it has been a crazy week, although I wouldn't change my week so that I could look good while out for a run. Instead of doing my laundry earlier this week I chose to: watch a sixth, seventh, eighth, freshmen, jv, and varsity volleyball game one night, teach swimming lessons, attend worship, go for two other runs, play with my dog, hang out with my fiance, and write a few letters to friends who I miss.
      Yes, I know that you think I am wasting my time because I won't ever run "worth crap" - I am sorry you feel that way. I actually really love running and running for the fun of it and the feeling I have during and after a good run. I also love the excitement of my sweet puppy every time I get my running shoes out and we hit the road, I love the way her tail wags faster than I ever thought possible and I love the way that she motivates me to keep running. I love running with her.
       I pray that whatever frustrations or internal struggle you are having is resolved and that you feel better after verbally harassing me today while I ran. I pray you meet someone who shares with you the story of grace and love of God who made you too, and loves you too even thought that may seem like a crazy idea at the moment. I pray you come to a place in life when you don't need to say harsh comments to random people you pass on the road, I pray you become and encourager to the world and use all that time and energy you waste saying rude things to serve the world. I pray that you learn the love of a God who created you and become one who shares that message with the world.
       Sorry I couldn't come up with the words to say to you while I was out for a run and you out for an early afternoon drive, I wish I had a way to share this message with you. Since I am not optimistic that our paths will cross again, I pray someone will share a message of grace and love with you. I am sorry I ignored you but I couldn't say anything that would be kind in the moment, so I chose to say nothing. If we meet again, I pray for the strength to not think harshly about you and rather remember that you too were created by the triune God and you too are a beloved child of God.

Peace to you-
  a broken, beloved, sinful, and redeemed child of God just like you

pressure to be epic.

The title of this post is because for some reason once I haven't blogged in a while I feel some strange internal pressure that the next blog must be AWESOME, which really, I am not sure where this pressure comes from but it exists inside of me, so don't expect epicness in this post, rather it will be ramblings.

The last month has been NUTS to say the least, but wonderfully nuts! I just returned from the National Youth Gathering with the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America - I traveled with the Northeastern Minnesota synod (550 of us), 21 from the congregation I serve. The 11 day trip came with lots of challenges, fun, and ways in which God met us along the path. It was marvelous. At the beginning of the month I got to stand next to my best friend as she got married back in South Dakota. Wonderfullness abounds.

July's Yay God moments:
-Marc got a new job!
-Katie and Andy got married
-The Synod Journey -ELCA National Youth Gathering
-several trips out kayaking
-a fixed sump pump and sewage drain (the broke sump pump and sewage backing up into my basement was less than fun - but now that the problem is remedied it is nice to not have to worry about them)
-sleep - I was long over due for some good sleep
-planning season - now that some things have come to an end it is time to ramp up the planning for next school year and summer - never a dull moment in ministry
-my closet remodel (sounds lame but trust me the closet needed finishing) is done (just need to hang a set of shelves)
-my family and friends who have helped me keep my sanity during this all
-yarn - one can never have enough yarn while going on 26 hour bus trips (one way)


Dear Sarah,
    You now have broke your blogging silence feel free to go crazy and blog away - no pressure now, the lame post is over.
Love, me